And now for something completely different.

I'm sure you might be wondering why I refer to myself as a complete nutcase, so here is a story that doesn't give any insight into that whatsoever.

As a child I was the same free spirit that I am now. In a nutshell, I do what I want. 

Me doing what I want in a nutshell.

My father was the kind of guy who likes to be in control, he was an executive. So naturally, one day when I was ten he said "You have a choice, either follow the rules or find somewhere else to live." I left. During this period I peed on the outside of a portopotty and lived on the playground. 

Really important, thought you should know.

Sadly, I was dragged home by my brother before I could complete my first day as a homeless person. Apparently when my father told me "you have a choice" he really meant "you don't." My parents decided that defiance was a sign of mental illness and took me to the doctor. Dr. Quackers told me that I was suffering from depression. Depression is supposed to be diagnosed after a battery of tests, but he didn't bother with that.

Pediatricians are great with psychiatry. Not pictured: a battery of tests.

That is when I began taking antidepressants. Looking back, I don't think I ever really suffered from clinical depression, though perhaps I had a major depressive episode. I can never know for sure. At the time however, I believed that my doctor knew what he was talking about. So, I took the pills and my parents watched as their attempts to drug me into obedience failed, regardless of how many meds were tried, and regardless of dosage. You can't fix a free spirit because it ain't broke. 

Man am I glad I took that symbolic logic course.

Shortly before my 20th birthday I decided enough was enough, I was going to do away with the pills and resume my normal life. However, there is a little known withdrawal effect caused by certain antidepressants that had caused me to fail at ditching the meds in the past. Brain zaps (or brain shocks, brain shivers, head shocks) are easily the most distressing things I've ever experienced (and I've had an abscessed tooth). The name is very descriptive, it feels like your brain is being electrocuted. When do they happen? Sometimes they occur randomly, but they usually happened to me when I moved my eyes or closed my eyes tightly.

Go ahead, wince. It'll only lead to more zapping.

Yeah, just don't move your eyes, you'll be fine. Do you have any idea how hard it is to keep your eyes still all day? To make things worse, I had constant nausea as well. When the withdrawal symptoms reached their peak, the brain zaps were intense enough to bring me to my knees. Luckily the symptoms only lasted a few days. Oh wait, no. Even five weeks later I was still being zapped regularly. Did I mention I didn't miss a day of work during all of this? After eight days I was a wreck, my legs had been replaced with spaghetti and the zaps were coming in harder than ever, and in clusters rather than single servings. Something had to give. Luckily I found that alcohol helped to mitigate the intensity of the shocks, so began I drinking absolutely extreme amounts after work. Unfortunately this required regular trips to buy alcohol, and driving properly is impossible with brain zaps. Try checking all of your mirrors without moving your eyes. 

Maybe if I smoked a lot of pot the bribe would have worked.

After the worst of the withdrawal I went through premanstrual syndrome (or possibly manopause), I was a bag of emotions, none of which made any sense. I tried to take it easy by watching a movie and I ended up bawling my eyes out. Have you ever seen the movie Life is Beautiful? The one where that father and son are in a concentration camp, and the father convinces the son that they are in a contest to win a tank? Well, that wasn't what I was watching. I cried my eyes out while watching The Matrix. No, I didn't cry when Neo died or anything of the sort. I made it about ten minutes in when Agent Smith drives the truck through the phone booth just as Trinity jacks out (is that the term? Fuck it, that's the way it is now). When I watched my first dog being put to sleep I cried, and I wondered what would be the next thing to make me cry. If you told me that I wouldn't cry until six years later when I watched the Matrix, I probably would have called bullshit. Emotions baffle me. I have been off the antidepressants for years now, and I'm as happy as ever. Regaining the full use of your eyes can do that.

Notes

1. I should probably point out that I don't hate my parents, what they did was just a misguided attempt to improve my life.
2. The whole withdrawal thing gave me a lot of perspective on drug addiction. I hated the pills, and yet I still kept going back to them after a few days of headzapping. I can only imagine how hard it would be to give up something that gives you pleasure when you use it and agony when you don't.
3. I really did pee on a portopotty when I ran away from home.
4. Brain zaps